Wednesday, August 5, 2009

GlenD558 comes back to life.

The Twixter
Staff Writer

Holy carabao shit Mr. Baggins ! The dude appears to have returned from the dead solely to dance a jig at the federal courthouse over the smoldering remains of Tim Villagomez.

Glen, or someone staggering in an identical manner, appeared outside the Munson’s courtroom today regaling everyone in sight with his rendition of “Swing Low”. Chanting something about saving our Philippine Peso’s ‘cause Marcos’ gonna rise again, he gloated big time over the seeming downfall of a guy he couldn’t get a contract from. “It wasn’t from lack of trying.” said Glen in a Casperish sort of way. “Its just that we never seemed to agree on terms.”

Meanwhile, as co-reporter and SFN editor in chief pointed out, just where did Glen’s relatives get his blogger password to announce his death via Glen’s own blog last year? Many here believed that Glen was in a far better place all right, like Cebu, livin’ large on $800 a month coming in off his massive Chinese prostitution ring here on Saipan. The recent sighting, so near the newly named Kristo Rye Church gave some observers real pause to think. Thunk they, “Sheeeyt, Dude, was that Glen D or have I been smokin’ too much of that Pagan Cowpaddy?”

Some said that as the apparition slowly faded from view they could hear the familiar refrain :
Rye whisky, rye whisky,
Rye whisky, I cry,
If you don't give me rye whisky,
I surely will die.

Others, perhaps with a little less rye under their own belts said he didn’t fade away at all, he just headed back to the airport to connect with Phillipine Air #111 headed back home to that little grass shack with a miniature putting green out back.

This reporter believes there is just as great a chance for a second coming of Glen as there is for anybody else.

If the ocean was whisky,
And I was a duck,
I'd dive to the bottom
To get one sweet suck.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Saipan Fake News Welcomes New Writer II

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

Saipan Fake News scored a major coup this week as negotiations wrapped up with the top reporter from the Middle East.

"We were incredibly fortunate to have signed such an accomplished writer," said The Daily Yapper. "We've been interested in adding Tweaker to our staff ever since
Al Jazeera's Shakir & Eshan gave Tweaker the coveted Two Bombs Up" review.

Tweaker comes to SFN fresh from a fact finding mission in the Democratic Republic of North Korea that confirmed Kim Jong Il's regime was planning to launch the body of Michael Jackson into space on its three-stage Taep'o-dong II rocket in an effort to return the former King of Pop to his home planet.

Superior Court Judge David Wiseman presided over the contract signing this afternoon at The Daily Yapper Global Headquarters in Susupe and voiced his approval of SFN's latest staff acquisition.

"This is like the third Christmas we've had so far this year! I can hardly wait to see what Tweaker has to offer my favorite and most reliable news source," said Wiseman. "Hey, if five more writers sign on with Saipan Fake News it'll transcend Christmas and transform into the new Chanukah."

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Delivery man whose hole fell in sues restaurant

The Twixter
Staff Writer

James S. Schlep sued AlmostElegant, Inc. for lack of respect and is asking the court for relief in the form of some Preparaton H lozenges and a lavender body suit he’s had his eye on over at the Papaya Shop. He also wants the judge to award him proctology costs for repairing his bung.

The plaintiff, who worked for Pacific Drunkeness Inc., said that on July 21, 2008, he was delivering some cornhole hash to the defendant using a cart.

He said while pushing the cart inside the restaurant’s kitchen, he was pushed into an open hole that was hidden from view. “That’s when the gangbang began.” said Schlep. “The next thing I knew ‘bout 10 of those Filipino hairdressers from the shop upstairs were buggering me in that man-hole.” he continued.

He said as a result, he suffered severe pain from his shoulder to the lower back and his butt hurt like hell. He had to be transported to the Commonwealth Health Center for a recto-lottomy after his asshole collapsed.

The plaintiff said he also suffered and continues to suffer severe injuries, including bodily pain and various farting sounds, and loss of enjoyment of life. On the other side he claims to have a lot more friends than he used to have. “All the guyss at the Naked Ssstallion have been very kind.” he thaid.

The plaintiff said the defendant was well aware that there was a hole in its kitchen area, but with reckless indifference to the rights of its invitees including the defendant, took no precautions to warn him or make the kitchen area less dangerous.

The plaintiff said the defendant has a duty to maintain its premises in a safe condition and at least provide a ‘Man-hole in Use’ sign and some Vaseline or KY Jelly.

He said the defendant breached this duty by carelessly using an open manhole, for failing to post warning signs of the danger presented by the open manhole, for failing to warn the plaintiff of the danger presented by the unsafe conditions, for failing to maintain a safe kitchen area and for failing to close the open manhole after use causing him a lot of pain. He also said there was a sad lack of spurs or leather vests at the site.

The plaintiff’s lawyer was Ellen Degeneris but when they found she only used a strap-on his case was re-assigned to transgender attorney Colon Price.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Heinz, Juan and Destiny?

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

After a pair of rather humdrum campaigns by two less than stimulating candidates who failed to offer a debate before their primary, CNMI voters begrudgingly left their homes and eventually decided the Republican candidates for this November's gubernatorial election will be Heinz S. Hofschneider and running mate Arnold I. Palacios.

"We're so excited, and we just can't hide it," said Hofscneider.

Sources close to the team said that they thought they were about to lose control and that they thought they liked it.

Heinz-Arnold won the primary with 3,382 of the 6,368 votes (a difference of only 396), while the tandem of Juan Babauta and Galvin Deleon Guerrero took 2986 votes.

The results were announced just after 8pm at the Multi-Purpose Center in Susupe, where the victors thanked Juan-Galvin for giving them a clean campaign.

Babauta reciprocated and promised that even though rumors of inappropriate goat touching continue to plague his opponent, that he and Deleon Guerrero would honor their pledge to support the party by not launching an independent campaign.

"We may have lost but our platform is still pretty darn good," Babauta said.

As for his future plans, the former governor said that he remains open and that he remains hopeful that a position will open up for him somewhere.

"Ever since I lost in 2005, I've been meeting with a lot of people at McDonald's. Over the years, I've picked up on how they operate so I'm thinking of running for their owner's position in the next election," he said

When contacted by Saipan Fake News, local McDonald's owner, Joe Ayuyu said that he had no plans of holding an election for the ownership position and stated that Babauta lacks the credentials to own his restaurant.

"He said what? Hey, that guy hasn't even been to Hamburger University and he's trying to own a McDonald's? This guy is hilarious. If I knew he was this funny, I would've voted for him," Ayuyu said.

Exit polls from four out of Saipan's five major districts gave Heinz-Arnold an early lead, but Juan-Galvin was unable to "ketchup" by the end of the polling day.

While he remained confident throughout his campaign, Heinz said that he had a contingency plan in place were he to lose the primary.

"I thought I'd take some time off to reflect on everything I've accomplished over the years and maybe pay to get this huge mole carved out of my face so I my head doesn't look like Jupiter. Now I've got a campaign to run, so I'll have to shelve the monolith-removal plans for now," he said.

Election officials reported that one ballot was disqualified, as an unnamed voter from Kagman wrote "Ambrose Bennett of the Common Sense Party" on a piece of paper and walked out.

In a related story, polling irregularities were reported in Garapan as several employees and patrons of Club Chicago bore witness to fantastic feats from the newest addition to the famed downtown den of dastardly deeds.

"Destiny" showed off her skills by climbing the fabled brass pole, lighting a cigarette and waving to the crowd. One witness described what he saw as "something from the movies."

"If you take all three things individually, I guess it's no big deal. I've seen plenty of girls climb the pole, almost all of the girls in the club smoke and they usually wave to me when I walk in. I just didn't expect her to do all three without using her hands," said Felipe Atalig.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael +++Not Dead

The Twixter
Staff Writer

Contrary to reports of Michael Jackson’s death, he is alive and well and living in the Potala Palace in Lhasa.

“The rumors started a couple of days ago based on a photo taken of me while meditating,” Jackson said.

The King of Pop claims he can now stop his heart for up to 3 weeks at a time since moving to a “higher plane” of existence.

“My friend and direct pipeline to the almighty, the Grand Llama of Lima, helped me to obtain this state of oneness with the Universe," said Jackson.

Some have apparently confused his rather pale complexion and lack of breathing and heartbeat with death. Ignoring the “Please don’t bury me” sign hung around his somewhat stiffened body, some western medical doctors, unfamiliar with the gloved Buddavista’s ability to exist in a transcendental state (that means without teeth or a car) with what us regular sorts call death.

“No way”, said His Fuzziness the Dalai Lama who has let Michael move in to one of the wings of his palatial pad. “This dude’s not dead, you should see him partying with those 9 year old novice monks. This guy kicks. Sometimes he holds the novices so close and smells their feet, you can tell he really likes them.” ,said the Poohbah.

So this reporters advice is don’t believe everything you hear. Like Apollo going to the moon or Sadam Hussein really living in Brazil, some of these rumors are just not true. Long live the King ! Long may he fornicate with youngsters !!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Saipan Fake News Welcomes New Writer

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

Free speech aficionados throughout the CNMI and beyond were treated to a breath of fresh air this week as Saipan Fake News welcomed its newest writer to the world of local and international sarcasm.

"We've had our eye on The Twixster ever since he made the move from peanut butter to caramel," said The Daily Yapper. "Now he's working for the best fake news syndicate in the Commonwealth."

In the coming weeks, readers will get a taste of The Twixter's style that earned him his second Foolitzer Prize in faux reporting. The Twixter vaulted to legendary ranks as only he and one other man have been so honored.

Who is the other man?

Bill O'Reilly

Common, yes. Sense, doubtful.

The Twixter
Staff Writer

It appears to be COMMON SENSE that the folks on Tinian know far less about what is going on there that does the in-house light socket, and wanna be School Board member, Ambrose Bennett. Ambrose, whose lifelong ambition is to get the hell out of that classroom where most of the kids (illiterate though they may be) are light years ahead of their instructor, claims he helped those Tinian Students with their term papers.

Said Bennett upon finding out they still failed, “Damnit, it’s a plot, a Southern Baptist, anti-Blackman plot to discredit me.” Said Bennett “I know how to cheat, I see it every day. You can’t fool me; I know I cribbed those kids up good ‘n plenty. They shoulda at least passed…maybe even made a C.”

Bennett mentioned that he has been saying for years that any right thinking American-ican believes that if those kids are held back they will be traumatized by others while standing in that Welfare line, ashamed that everyone there knows they failed their schoolwork. “It’s a basic principal {sic} of fairness that social promotion is the will of the people, at least the stupid ones.” Bennett wrote to a colleague who had doubted his ability to actually write.

This reporter has found damning circumstantial evidence that the Tinian Principal in question was actually trying to upgrade that school so it might produce not marginal, not just passing, but actual high performing students. She should be run out of town, tarred and feathered, caned, and have her library card taken away. “Why, the decent citizens of Rockridge would be appalled, if they ever found out what this Hofschneider (probable foreigner) woman has done to the poor students on Tinian Island.” Quipped a highly qualified teacher that nearly passed the PRAXXIS exam.

The latest news is that she did in fact leave town, took her library card with her and was reportedly last seen standing at the Tinian Airport waiting for a direct flight from Hawaii to land using the ILS another (unrelated?) Hofschneider paid for a couple of years ago.

Bennet was heard to exclaim, “What the fuck do you EXPECT when you let those gorillas into the BANANNA PATCH!!”