Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Delivery man whose hole fell in sues restaurant

The Twixter
Staff Writer

James S. Schlep sued AlmostElegant, Inc. for lack of respect and is asking the court for relief in the form of some Preparaton H lozenges and a lavender body suit he’s had his eye on over at the Papaya Shop. He also wants the judge to award him proctology costs for repairing his bung.

The plaintiff, who worked for Pacific Drunkeness Inc., said that on July 21, 2008, he was delivering some cornhole hash to the defendant using a cart.

He said while pushing the cart inside the restaurant’s kitchen, he was pushed into an open hole that was hidden from view. “That’s when the gangbang began.” said Schlep. “The next thing I knew ‘bout 10 of those Filipino hairdressers from the shop upstairs were buggering me in that man-hole.” he continued.

He said as a result, he suffered severe pain from his shoulder to the lower back and his butt hurt like hell. He had to be transported to the Commonwealth Health Center for a recto-lottomy after his asshole collapsed.

The plaintiff said he also suffered and continues to suffer severe injuries, including bodily pain and various farting sounds, and loss of enjoyment of life. On the other side he claims to have a lot more friends than he used to have. “All the guyss at the Naked Ssstallion have been very kind.” he thaid.

The plaintiff said the defendant was well aware that there was a hole in its kitchen area, but with reckless indifference to the rights of its invitees including the defendant, took no precautions to warn him or make the kitchen area less dangerous.

The plaintiff said the defendant has a duty to maintain its premises in a safe condition and at least provide a ‘Man-hole in Use’ sign and some Vaseline or KY Jelly.

He said the defendant breached this duty by carelessly using an open manhole, for failing to post warning signs of the danger presented by the open manhole, for failing to warn the plaintiff of the danger presented by the unsafe conditions, for failing to maintain a safe kitchen area and for failing to close the open manhole after use causing him a lot of pain. He also said there was a sad lack of spurs or leather vests at the site.

The plaintiff’s lawyer was Ellen Degeneris but when they found she only used a strap-on his case was re-assigned to transgender attorney Colon Price.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Heinz, Juan and Destiny?

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

After a pair of rather humdrum campaigns by two less than stimulating candidates who failed to offer a debate before their primary, CNMI voters begrudgingly left their homes and eventually decided the Republican candidates for this November's gubernatorial election will be Heinz S. Hofschneider and running mate Arnold I. Palacios.

"We're so excited, and we just can't hide it," said Hofscneider.

Sources close to the team said that they thought they were about to lose control and that they thought they liked it.

Heinz-Arnold won the primary with 3,382 of the 6,368 votes (a difference of only 396), while the tandem of Juan Babauta and Galvin Deleon Guerrero took 2986 votes.

The results were announced just after 8pm at the Multi-Purpose Center in Susupe, where the victors thanked Juan-Galvin for giving them a clean campaign.

Babauta reciprocated and promised that even though rumors of inappropriate goat touching continue to plague his opponent, that he and Deleon Guerrero would honor their pledge to support the party by not launching an independent campaign.

"We may have lost but our platform is still pretty darn good," Babauta said.

As for his future plans, the former governor said that he remains open and that he remains hopeful that a position will open up for him somewhere.

"Ever since I lost in 2005, I've been meeting with a lot of people at McDonald's. Over the years, I've picked up on how they operate so I'm thinking of running for their owner's position in the next election," he said

When contacted by Saipan Fake News, local McDonald's owner, Joe Ayuyu said that he had no plans of holding an election for the ownership position and stated that Babauta lacks the credentials to own his restaurant.

"He said what? Hey, that guy hasn't even been to Hamburger University and he's trying to own a McDonald's? This guy is hilarious. If I knew he was this funny, I would've voted for him," Ayuyu said.

Exit polls from four out of Saipan's five major districts gave Heinz-Arnold an early lead, but Juan-Galvin was unable to "ketchup" by the end of the polling day.

While he remained confident throughout his campaign, Heinz said that he had a contingency plan in place were he to lose the primary.

"I thought I'd take some time off to reflect on everything I've accomplished over the years and maybe pay to get this huge mole carved out of my face so I my head doesn't look like Jupiter. Now I've got a campaign to run, so I'll have to shelve the monolith-removal plans for now," he said.

Election officials reported that one ballot was disqualified, as an unnamed voter from Kagman wrote "Ambrose Bennett of the Common Sense Party" on a piece of paper and walked out.

In a related story, polling irregularities were reported in Garapan as several employees and patrons of Club Chicago bore witness to fantastic feats from the newest addition to the famed downtown den of dastardly deeds.

"Destiny" showed off her skills by climbing the fabled brass pole, lighting a cigarette and waving to the crowd. One witness described what he saw as "something from the movies."

"If you take all three things individually, I guess it's no big deal. I've seen plenty of girls climb the pole, almost all of the girls in the club smoke and they usually wave to me when I walk in. I just didn't expect her to do all three without using her hands," said Felipe Atalig.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael +++Not Dead

The Twixter
Staff Writer

Contrary to reports of Michael Jackson’s death, he is alive and well and living in the Potala Palace in Lhasa.

“The rumors started a couple of days ago based on a photo taken of me while meditating,” Jackson said.

The King of Pop claims he can now stop his heart for up to 3 weeks at a time since moving to a “higher plane” of existence.

“My friend and direct pipeline to the almighty, the Grand Llama of Lima, helped me to obtain this state of oneness with the Universe," said Jackson.

Some have apparently confused his rather pale complexion and lack of breathing and heartbeat with death. Ignoring the “Please don’t bury me” sign hung around his somewhat stiffened body, some western medical doctors, unfamiliar with the gloved Buddavista’s ability to exist in a transcendental state (that means without teeth or a car) with what us regular sorts call death.

“No way”, said His Fuzziness the Dalai Lama who has let Michael move in to one of the wings of his palatial pad. “This dude’s not dead, you should see him partying with those 9 year old novice monks. This guy kicks. Sometimes he holds the novices so close and smells their feet, you can tell he really likes them.” ,said the Poohbah.

So this reporters advice is don’t believe everything you hear. Like Apollo going to the moon or Sadam Hussein really living in Brazil, some of these rumors are just not true. Long live the King ! Long may he fornicate with youngsters !!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Saipan Fake News Welcomes New Writer

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

Free speech aficionados throughout the CNMI and beyond were treated to a breath of fresh air this week as Saipan Fake News welcomed its newest writer to the world of local and international sarcasm.

"We've had our eye on The Twixster ever since he made the move from peanut butter to caramel," said The Daily Yapper. "Now he's working for the best fake news syndicate in the Commonwealth."

In the coming weeks, readers will get a taste of The Twixter's style that earned him his second Foolitzer Prize in faux reporting. The Twixter vaulted to legendary ranks as only he and one other man have been so honored.

Who is the other man?

Bill O'Reilly

Common, yes. Sense, doubtful.

The Twixter
Staff Writer

It appears to be COMMON SENSE that the folks on Tinian know far less about what is going on there that does the in-house light socket, and wanna be School Board member, Ambrose Bennett. Ambrose, whose lifelong ambition is to get the hell out of that classroom where most of the kids (illiterate though they may be) are light years ahead of their instructor, claims he helped those Tinian Students with their term papers.

Said Bennett upon finding out they still failed, “Damnit, it’s a plot, a Southern Baptist, anti-Blackman plot to discredit me.” Said Bennett “I know how to cheat, I see it every day. You can’t fool me; I know I cribbed those kids up good ‘n plenty. They shoulda at least passed…maybe even made a C.”

Bennett mentioned that he has been saying for years that any right thinking American-ican believes that if those kids are held back they will be traumatized by others while standing in that Welfare line, ashamed that everyone there knows they failed their schoolwork. “It’s a basic principal {sic} of fairness that social promotion is the will of the people, at least the stupid ones.” Bennett wrote to a colleague who had doubted his ability to actually write.

This reporter has found damning circumstantial evidence that the Tinian Principal in question was actually trying to upgrade that school so it might produce not marginal, not just passing, but actual high performing students. She should be run out of town, tarred and feathered, caned, and have her library card taken away. “Why, the decent citizens of Rockridge would be appalled, if they ever found out what this Hofschneider (probable foreigner) woman has done to the poor students on Tinian Island.” Quipped a highly qualified teacher that nearly passed the PRAXXIS exam.

The latest news is that she did in fact leave town, took her library card with her and was reportedly last seen standing at the Tinian Airport waiting for a direct flight from Hawaii to land using the ILS another (unrelated?) Hofschneider paid for a couple of years ago.

Bennet was heard to exclaim, “What the fuck do you EXPECT when you let those gorillas into the BANANNA PATCH!!”

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Iraqi Cities Poised For Withdrawl Of U.S. Troops

*Special International Sunday Edition
By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

BAGHDADIraq's Prime Minister proclaimed this month’s withdrawal of U.S. troops from urban areas as a "big victory" for the nation.

Stopping just short of saying, “Mission Accomplished, Nouri al-Maliki said that Iraqi forces will assume security operations by the end of the month.

When asked how he feels about his unit pulling out of Baghdad, SFC Brandon “Nails” Henderson said that he was please to see some tangible progress in the war on terror.

“It’s about damn time,” said Henderson. “I mean, why the fuck are we here anyway? Fucking Bush.”

Though al-Maliki expects area militants will test Iraqi defenses attacks, he said that won't let his country’s highly trained and compensated security forces turn tail and runaway like they did in 2003.

“This time we’ll be fighting the right people for the right reasons. Fighting our fellow Iraqis is our tradition. I only hope we remember how to do it. You know who we should get to help us out? Saddam Hussein.”

The transition from U.S. to Iraqi forces comes on the heels of a security pact that requires the Americans to commence combat troop reductions in urban areas by June 30, 2009.

The deal includes a provision for Iraqi forces to seek assistance from the U.S. help should violence surge, but places an emphasis of the complete withdrawal of U.S. forces by 2012.

“We are looking forward to the pull out,” said PFC Wyatt Jones, “because I can’t wait to get me some snatch back in Ohio!”

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Airport's New Baggage Handling System Operational

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

Airline passengers traveling to and from the Commonwealth got a breath of fresh air this week as Saipan International Airport officially unveiled its new $15-million baggage handling system.

“The long wait for the future of travel in the Marianas is over,” said Commonwealth Ports Authority Executive Director, Efrain F. Camacho. “It took more than five years, but we’ve finally got something we can be proud of at the airport.”

In a move meant to alleviate long lines at the ticket counters, the Saipan facility became just the third airport in the Federal Aviation Administration’s system to implement the state of the art Basic Automated Linear Scanning Assistance Configuration (BALSAC).

BALSAC is a next generation Transportation Security Administration-approved baggage handling and explosive detection system that scans passenger luggage automatically upon check-in. The baggage is then transported via conveyor belt to the ground handlers on a lower level.

In 2004, the FAA conducted a comprehensive review of Saipan’s passenger load from 1993-2003 and determined that the Commonwealth was in need of a more efficient security system.

The system was supposed to be completed over two years ago under former CPA Executive Rex I. Palacios, but federal monitors indicated that the CPA leadership had been operating without a BALSAC the entire time Palacios was calling the shots at the airport.

Palacios’ lengthy term as CPA Executive Director was wrought with claims of fraud, waste and abuse, and he was criticized for allowing the airport’s generators to fall in a state of disrepair and for failing to finish the baggage project.

In 2008, Governor Benigno R. Fitial asked Camacho to reorganize the command structure within the CPA. A self-made man with a profitable private business, Camacho agreed for the sake of the Commonwealth, but he did so with the understanding that he would only hold the post for a period of one year.

“When I was asked to run the CPA, I knew that I was going to need a large BALSAC if I was going to make any progress. It took me less than a year to get a productive BALSAC. For this, I credit my parents,” said Camacho.

While many planners worked tirelessly to design a baggage system, Palacios fired countless contractors who never stood up to him because they were unable to produce evidence of BALSAC development.

Despite several allegations of poor performance and lackluster management skills, Palacios said that he did the best he could without a BALSAC and that he made at least one important contribution to the safety of travelers flying in and out of Saipan.

Through the help of grant writers from the Air Travelers Association, Palacios was able to secure funding from the federal government to procure a Flight Line Advanced Communications and Collision Indication Device (FLACCID).

When asked why his office never held a press conference to introduce the new equipment to the Commonwealth, Palacios said he thought that most of the people in the CNMI had already heard about his FLACCID unit through word of mouth.

“I kept it pretty low key when I introduced my FLACCID unit to the staff at the airport because I never really thought it was something to brag about,” said Palacios.

While currently in use, Saipan’s new baggage handling system is in its final 30-day test run and on schedule to receive its certification from the Transportation Security Administration.

*Editor's Note: In the absence of a locally published newspaper on Sundays, Saipan Fake News will focus on headlines from around the world. In the future, we hope to offer editorial pieces from our columnists as well various features including Home & Garden, Technology Today, The Single Life, Environment, Youth On The Move and Hodgepodges by Ron Hodges.

Friday, June 19, 2009

June is NMI-RP Friendship Month

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

In a move that shocked many from all walks of life in the Commonwealth, Acting Gov. Eloy S. Inos proclaimed the month of June as CNMI-Philippine Friendship Month.

Though a low level staffer created the words on the standard government proclamation form, Inos signed his name to the document which officially recognized the historical and cultural ties between the people of both archipelagos.

“We, the good people of the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands do hereby declare that the people of the Republic of the Philippines are indeed people too,” said Inos, “And we intend to treat you as people for the rest of this month.”

Inos’ statement broke with tradition among CNMI residents who have long considered Filipinos to be little more than $3.05/hr problem solving bush cutters who can cook.

“After all, we’re really not all that different from the Filipinos. They’re exactly the way we would be if we had a better work ethic and didn’t place such a high level of importance on the cars we drive,” said Inos.

Inos also said that the commemorative occasion was meant to recognize that the CNMI and the Philippines suffered through centuries of Spanish rule, decades of American prosperity and years of Japanese occupation.

“The difference of course is that the CNMI has continued to develop under the American system while the Philippines has turned into a crap hole where you can get laid for $20. Come to think of it, we’re not all that different after all,” he said.

Though he was unable to attend the ceremony, CNMI Governor Benigno R. Fitial sent a statement to the proclamation signing.

“I love the people of the Philippines. Even though we don’t want those people to live here, vote here or feel like they really belong here, I really love those little people,” said Fitial.

The leaders of several local Filipino organizations were present for the signing which also recognized the many contributions that Filipinos have made over the years to the island foods, religious practices, cultures and customs.

“Filipinos and Chamorros are very family oriented. In fact, it’s not uncommon for us to have a family in Saipan and a family in the Philippines,” said Human Dignity Movement president Jerry Custodio.

June is a month of celebration for Filipinos around the world as the Republic is currently amidst its Independence Day celebration and preparing for the June 30 commemoration of the Philippine-Spanish Friendship Day, known in Spain as “We Used To Own You Day.”

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Tudela Joins U.S. Mayors' Conference

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

One month after hosting the 2nd Annual Pacific Mayors' Conference in the CNMI, Saipan Mayor Juan B. Tudela joined his counterparts on the mainland during the 77th U.S. Mayors' Conference held in Rhode Island.

Tudela attended the conference along with leaders from the all 50 states as well as the U.S. territories of American Samoa and Guam. When asked about his reasons for making the trek to the conference, Tudela said that he was proud to represent the people of the Marianas and that he was eager to compare the major issues facing the Pacific islanders with those of his counterparts on the mainland.

During his press conference at the Saipan International Airport last week, Tudela explained his main reasons for attending the U.S. Mayor’s Conference on the mainland.

"When I heard that there was a conference for us mayors, I knew I had to go. If us mayors don't attend this conference, then who will? All of us mayors have to work together to benefit all of us,” he said.

Tudela further explained that he was on a diplomatic mission to improve the relationship between the Commonwealth and the other insular areas.

"I didn’t realize that there was an island state other than Hawaii. Now I feel bad that we didn't invite our fellow islanders to our conference last month. I'll make it my mission to make sure our brothers and sisters from Rhode Island are included in next year's Pacific Mayors Conference. I believe they’re called Metronesians," said Tudela.

Tudela made an about face two days into the conference after meeting his fellow attendees face-to-face. In an email sent to staffers back home in the CNMI, Tudela relayed that he had learned quite a bit on his trip, including an important geography lesson.

“When I heard that the conference was going to be held in Rhode Island, I was expecting to be greeted by fellow islanders. All I saw when I got off the plane were haoles. And you know what? Rhode Island isn’t even an island! How they can get away with that?”

A number of federal agencies were also well represented at the conference to help the mayors make use of the over $1.2 billion available to them through the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

Among the conference highlights was the changing of the guard as Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels replaced Miami Mayor Manny Diaz as the conference president. Nickles was sworn in as the 67th president of the U.S. Conference of Mayors after he and vice president Timothy Dyme ran a highly effective campaign on a platform of reform among the conference leaders.

When the results were announced, crowds chanting “Nickles and Dyme in 2009” paraded through the streets of Quahog throughout the night led by campaign chairman Peter Griffin.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Shell Raises Gas Prices By 10 Cents

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

In an effort to recoup hundreds of thousands of dollars in losses from a failed marketing campaign, Shell Marianas raised its per gallon prices of regular, premium and diesel fuel for the second time in as many weeks.

Shell Marianas customers are now shelling out $0.25 more per gallon than they were two weeks ago, and more than half-a-dollar more than they were paying at the start of 2009. Unfortunately for the CNMI customers, that may be just the tip of the iceberg for Shell.

Earlier this year, Shell's marketing department created a campaign that gave its customers an opportunity to purchase current and classic cars from famed Italian automaker Ferrari for just a few dollars.

When customers raced into Shell and filled their tanks with the expectation of purchasing a new Ferrari for $2.99, they were disappointed to learn that Shell Marianas was only offering plastic miniature versions of the high-performance machines .

That didn't sit well with local customers, and the marketing snafu spurned the creation of the Marianas Alliance of Disenfranchised Automobile Suppliers and Fuel Users of the Commonwealth (MADASFUC).

In March, MADASFUC retained the services of attorney turned Japanese rockstar, Bruce Berline, who lodged an official complaint against Shell Marianas in U.S. District Court. In his complaint, Berline charged that Shell wilfully and intentionaly misled the people of the CNMI into thinking that they would receive a brand new Ferrari in exchange for $2.99 and a full tank of gas.

Further, Berline said that the only form of recourse for his clients is for Shell Marianas to offer bonafide Ferraris to all who tried to avail of the offer and who were subsequently denied at retailers across Saipan.

U.S. District Court Chief Judge, Alex R. Munson ruled in favor of MADASFUC and Shell Marianas was ordered to supply the complaintants with their choice of Ferraris immediately and not later than the end of May 2009.

The ruling sent Shell Marianas on a worldwide search for 237 Ferraris that was finally completed on May 29th when Rep. Stanley Torres (R-Saipan) received his 1984 288 GTO at his Garapan office, located inside Godfather's Bar.

In an interview at the company's office in Puerto Rico, Shell Area Manager Jeff Boyer expressed his frustration with the failed promotion and said that he hopes the company can rebound from the Ferrari debacle.

"We envisioned a campaign that would give kids some great toys. Who the hell would seriously think that we were giving away actual cars for two bucks and a tank of gas? I mean, you'd have to be a fucking idiot," he said.

Boyer said that the increase in fuel prices was the only possible move for the Shell if the company hopes to survive Ferrari-gate and the current economic crisis.

"Times are tough for everyone, and especially so in the oil industry. Gas money is always the first thing that goes out the door when people and companies have less disposable income. In light of our current hardships and that damn car giveaway, we've had to reassess profit margins and cost structures to allow for our survival."

Compounding the economic difficulties for at least one of Shell's retailers was a theft perpeterated by another one of Delta Management's account executives. Delta Management operates three Shell gas stations on Saipan and offers a wide range of services to its customers.

One service that company president Jim Arenovski didn't anticipate was an unauthorized vacation program that provided unscheduled time off and $7,000 for station outlet auditor Virginia C. Hernandez.

Hernandez was caught attempting to flee the CNMI with $7,000 in cash en route to her native Philippines after siphoning the money from Delta Management. While in custody, Hernandez said that there was a simple misunderstanding and that she thought her boss was fully supportive of her impromptu vacation plans.

When asked about Hernandez's allegation that he was fully aware of her heist, Arenovski said, "I don't know, I guess she thinks that I'm giving things away like Santa Claus just because I look like the jolly old elf."

In a related story, Mobil Oil also increased its fuel prices over the past two weeks by exactly the same amount. When asked why regional fuel supplier raised its rates, company officials released the following statement:

"While it's true that we didn't offer free cars to our drivers, we here at Mobil decided to raise our prices for the betterment of our community. And by 'our community' we mean the people in our community who stand to gain the most from this move among the people who work in our office."

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


New Beginning For The Marianas
By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

Saipan, CNMI -
In the face of overwhelming demand from readers and writers from throughout the Marianas, the owners of the multinational conglomerate, Yap Co., have created a news division unlike any seen in the islands of Guam, Saipan, Tinian and Rota.

Yes, even the inhabitants of Managaha will be represented in the online publication as Saipan Fake News will detail the bird brains of local government offices across the region. Though Saipan Fake News will have a decidely local focus, our staff of writers will expand their coverage to report the news of the world.

Members of the community with news tips and photos may contact our office via email at thedailyyapper@gmail.com