Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Common, yes. Sense, doubtful.

The Twixter
Staff Writer

It appears to be COMMON SENSE that the folks on Tinian know far less about what is going on there that does the in-house light socket, and wanna be School Board member, Ambrose Bennett. Ambrose, whose lifelong ambition is to get the hell out of that classroom where most of the kids (illiterate though they may be) are light years ahead of their instructor, claims he helped those Tinian Students with their term papers.

Said Bennett upon finding out they still failed, “Damnit, it’s a plot, a Southern Baptist, anti-Blackman plot to discredit me.” Said Bennett “I know how to cheat, I see it every day. You can’t fool me; I know I cribbed those kids up good ‘n plenty. They shoulda at least passed…maybe even made a C.”

Bennett mentioned that he has been saying for years that any right thinking American-ican believes that if those kids are held back they will be traumatized by others while standing in that Welfare line, ashamed that everyone there knows they failed their schoolwork. “It’s a basic principal {sic} of fairness that social promotion is the will of the people, at least the stupid ones.” Bennett wrote to a colleague who had doubted his ability to actually write.

This reporter has found damning circumstantial evidence that the Tinian Principal in question was actually trying to upgrade that school so it might produce not marginal, not just passing, but actual high performing students. She should be run out of town, tarred and feathered, caned, and have her library card taken away. “Why, the decent citizens of Rockridge would be appalled, if they ever found out what this Hofschneider (probable foreigner) woman has done to the poor students on Tinian Island.” Quipped a highly qualified teacher that nearly passed the PRAXXIS exam.

The latest news is that she did in fact leave town, took her library card with her and was reportedly last seen standing at the Tinian Airport waiting for a direct flight from Hawaii to land using the ILS another (unrelated?) Hofschneider paid for a couple of years ago.

Bennet was heard to exclaim, “What the fuck do you EXPECT when you let those gorillas into the BANANNA PATCH!!”