Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Delivery man whose hole fell in sues restaurant

The Twixter
Staff Writer

James S. Schlep sued AlmostElegant, Inc. for lack of respect and is asking the court for relief in the form of some Preparaton H lozenges and a lavender body suit he’s had his eye on over at the Papaya Shop. He also wants the judge to award him proctology costs for repairing his bung.

The plaintiff, who worked for Pacific Drunkeness Inc., said that on July 21, 2008, he was delivering some cornhole hash to the defendant using a cart.

He said while pushing the cart inside the restaurant’s kitchen, he was pushed into an open hole that was hidden from view. “That’s when the gangbang began.” said Schlep. “The next thing I knew ‘bout 10 of those Filipino hairdressers from the shop upstairs were buggering me in that man-hole.” he continued.

He said as a result, he suffered severe pain from his shoulder to the lower back and his butt hurt like hell. He had to be transported to the Commonwealth Health Center for a recto-lottomy after his asshole collapsed.

The plaintiff said he also suffered and continues to suffer severe injuries, including bodily pain and various farting sounds, and loss of enjoyment of life. On the other side he claims to have a lot more friends than he used to have. “All the guyss at the Naked Ssstallion have been very kind.” he thaid.

The plaintiff said the defendant was well aware that there was a hole in its kitchen area, but with reckless indifference to the rights of its invitees including the defendant, took no precautions to warn him or make the kitchen area less dangerous.

The plaintiff said the defendant has a duty to maintain its premises in a safe condition and at least provide a ‘Man-hole in Use’ sign and some Vaseline or KY Jelly.

He said the defendant breached this duty by carelessly using an open manhole, for failing to post warning signs of the danger presented by the open manhole, for failing to warn the plaintiff of the danger presented by the unsafe conditions, for failing to maintain a safe kitchen area and for failing to close the open manhole after use causing him a lot of pain. He also said there was a sad lack of spurs or leather vests at the site.

The plaintiff’s lawyer was Ellen Degeneris but when they found she only used a strap-on his case was re-assigned to transgender attorney Colon Price.