Sunday, June 28, 2009

Heinz, Juan and Destiny?

By The Yapper
Editor In Chief

After a pair of rather humdrum campaigns by two less than stimulating candidates who failed to offer a debate before their primary, CNMI voters begrudgingly left their homes and eventually decided the Republican candidates for this November's gubernatorial election will be Heinz S. Hofschneider and running mate Arnold I. Palacios.

"We're so excited, and we just can't hide it," said Hofscneider.

Sources close to the team said that they thought they were about to lose control and that they thought they liked it.

Heinz-Arnold won the primary with 3,382 of the 6,368 votes (a difference of only 396), while the tandem of Juan Babauta and Galvin Deleon Guerrero took 2986 votes.

The results were announced just after 8pm at the Multi-Purpose Center in Susupe, where the victors thanked Juan-Galvin for giving them a clean campaign.

Babauta reciprocated and promised that even though rumors of inappropriate goat touching continue to plague his opponent, that he and Deleon Guerrero would honor their pledge to support the party by not launching an independent campaign.

"We may have lost but our platform is still pretty darn good," Babauta said.

As for his future plans, the former governor said that he remains open and that he remains hopeful that a position will open up for him somewhere.

"Ever since I lost in 2005, I've been meeting with a lot of people at McDonald's. Over the years, I've picked up on how they operate so I'm thinking of running for their owner's position in the next election," he said

When contacted by Saipan Fake News, local McDonald's owner, Joe Ayuyu said that he had no plans of holding an election for the ownership position and stated that Babauta lacks the credentials to own his restaurant.

"He said what? Hey, that guy hasn't even been to Hamburger University and he's trying to own a McDonald's? This guy is hilarious. If I knew he was this funny, I would've voted for him," Ayuyu said.

Exit polls from four out of Saipan's five major districts gave Heinz-Arnold an early lead, but Juan-Galvin was unable to "ketchup" by the end of the polling day.

While he remained confident throughout his campaign, Heinz said that he had a contingency plan in place were he to lose the primary.

"I thought I'd take some time off to reflect on everything I've accomplished over the years and maybe pay to get this huge mole carved out of my face so I my head doesn't look like Jupiter. Now I've got a campaign to run, so I'll have to shelve the monolith-removal plans for now," he said.

Election officials reported that one ballot was disqualified, as an unnamed voter from Kagman wrote "Ambrose Bennett of the Common Sense Party" on a piece of paper and walked out.

In a related story, polling irregularities were reported in Garapan as several employees and patrons of Club Chicago bore witness to fantastic feats from the newest addition to the famed downtown den of dastardly deeds.

"Destiny" showed off her skills by climbing the fabled brass pole, lighting a cigarette and waving to the crowd. One witness described what he saw as "something from the movies."

"If you take all three things individually, I guess it's no big deal. I've seen plenty of girls climb the pole, almost all of the girls in the club smoke and they usually wave to me when I walk in. I just didn't expect her to do all three without using her hands," said Felipe Atalig.